One of the biggest struggles I see with couples is that they find themselves in a state where they are "triggered" and then they are no-longer operating from their full-self that can see the bigger picture.

Instead, defense-mechanisms come online to run the conversation. The whole paradigm of the relationship changes in that moment. It's no longer team-work, it's you-vs-me. It's war. It's attack and defense.

From this place, they no longer have access to their full set of resources. They are limited to strategies that help them to stay safe. They may shut down, hide, attack or exhibit a range of behaviours that are quite unhelpful to a loving connected relationship.

People say things like "everything is great when things are going well, but once there is some conflict, it escalates into a fight. From there, it doesn't seem like there's much I can do to bring things back"

What I would like to share here is some thoughts about how to navigate this situation differently so that you don't find yourself stuck in way of being that ultimately erodes trust and damages relationships.

Instead you can develop the skills and awareness to navigate conflict in a way that can maintain connection with the other person while still being able to work through the difficulty.

Relationship Agreement

Lets start really big picture. It is really important to have conversations about your relationship when you're in a relationship.

One of those important conversations is about HOW we're going to relate to each other.

Within that conversation it is useful to cover some things that are absolute no-go's. Things that if they happen are huge red-flags.

For example: A common thing I've witnessed is that in the heat of the moment, some people threaten to leave the relationship.

A rule that I have in my relationship that I developed early on with Juliana, is that threatening to leave is absolutely forbidden. Not because it's about control and trying to stop her or me from leaving. But rather that it's about safety. I know that if there is a threat lurking in the background that if things are getting difficult between us then there's a risk that she will leave, it adds a whole other layer of pressure to the relationship that undermines the integrity of it.

So having this agreement in place means that we avoid these types of interactions and it provides the stability and safety that the other person is going to be there and stay in connection no matter what happens. This in itself is a huge plus for navigating difficulties.

Understand your nervous system / and each others

The behaviour of shutting down or defending or hiding etc is a nervous system response. It's normal, it's natural, it's healthy.

That said, it can also have unhealthy effects.

This is a fact of being a human. We have nervous systems and we can experience all of those feelings and behaviours.

It is absolutely imperative that you develop awareness of your nervous system response if you are to be in relationship with people. If you don't know the automatic knee-jerk responses that you are likely to have then you will be stuck with them and not even know why it's happening.

With awareness however, you can gain understanding. You can begin to watch it in real-time and this gives you opportunity to step in and change it.

Instead of going direct to attack mode or hiding mode, you will instead notice the impulse to pull away or the impulse to use threatening language.

From this place, you actually have a choice. You can continue on down that path, or you can pull back, name what is happening for you and choose to remain in connection.

Also, from this moment, you actually have to opportunity to choose to remain in connection with your partner and identify the pattern that is happening. If you understand your own nervous system and your partners, you can clearly articulate what is happening so that it becomes "us-vs-the pattern" instead of me-vs-you.

Once you see it, you can discuss it and it no longer runs the show anymore.

Courageously bring your vulnerability

Deep down in us humans it is soft and vulnerable. At the heart of every conflict there is usually a question which is something like "do you still care about me?"

We all interpret the world in different ways. If you do something, it might have a different meaning for me. That can cause me to question if you still care about me.

The quicker that I can courageously go to the heart of my pain and share it, the faster a conflict will diffuse.

If I can honestly search inside and look for the part of me that I'm trying to protect and instead of doing that, bring it forward, it completely changes things.

Something like... "Hey, I'm noticing that I feel scared. I'm afraid that you're not attracted me anymore and I'm afraid of what that means for us going forwards."

Or... "Hey, I feel angry and I'm telling myself the story that you don't care about me anymore because you did XYZ"

etc.

Get to the feeling you don't want to share. The sadness. The fear. The Anger. The softness. The vulnerability.

Bring Curiosity Online

Curiosity is an actual super-power. If you can manage to find curiosity in a moment of difficulty it will completely change things.

I mean genuine curiosity.

Curiosity that wonders what it might be like to see the world through anothers eyes.

Not curiosity to gain additional ammunition. Curiosity that helps you understand. Deeply. The other person.

Bring it in, next time you feel challenged. In fact, bring it in when you're not feeling challenged and it will make the challenging times easier because you will actually have deeper understanding of one-another and you will have built the muscle of empathy with each other previously.

I hope you give these ideas some consideration. They make a huge difference if you're struggling with conflict that accelerates quickly.