Have you ever had your partner say something to you, which seemed like they were attacking you?

Maybe you felt criticised or "made wrong" for something. It could have been the words, the tone of voice or maybe even a facial expression that made you feel that way.

In that moment, did your defences come up? Did you then move towards justifying or explaining yourself? Or what about disproving or minimizing what your partner said?

This has happened to me. I can think of numerous times my partner has said something to me and it has felt like she was criticising or attacking me.

My instant knee-jerk response is to defend and / or defuse the situation. Some deeply in-built safety mechanism jumps on board and starts to control the show.

Sometimes this has involved explaining why her reasoning isn't correct. Other times it might be denial or minimisation.

Overall, this type of situation ends up creating disconnection and pain for both of us. It's not a lot of fun. And the fascinating thing is, in many cases, once we get to the bottom of it, there was never any intention to attack.

This whole drama unfolds, yet the intention was never about attack.

Has this happened to you before? It's totally understandable if it has. I believe these defense mechanisms are deeply in-built and it's easy for them to spark up when it feels like a threat is approaching.

Thankfully, over the 5 years that I have been with my queen, I have managed to bring enough awareness to my side of this pattern that it rarely occurs anymore. When it does begin, I now know how to stop it before it creates any disconnection.

In fact, I have flipped it so much, that I now can use it as a springboard for MORE connection.

Seriously, when something starts off like this now, I am confident it will end with Juliana and I knowing each other better. There's softness and empathy and compassion. It's a sweet place to be.

Could you imagine what it might be like to know that whatever happens, you end up closer to your partner instead of further away? I wonder how that might alter the trajectory of your relationship long term...

I don't know your situation. You might have these skills pretty much mastered and just be looking for some fine tuning. Or on the other hand, you might feel yourself as volatile and reactive to the slightest provocation.

In any case, I would like to share some of the skills and mindsets I have learned which have allowed me to navigate this more harmoniously.

I believe that learning skills like this can help us stay connected and loving with the people we love the most. Which benefits everyone!

I'm going to share a way to stay on the same team with your partner. An approach which soothes the war reaction (for both people) and re-orients you towards the goal of building deeper foundations together.

Pain is never meant to drive people apart, it should bring them closer together!

Noticing The Truth Of What Just Happened

2 days ago, my partner said "can you please come and help me with Aspen, I asked for your help over an hour ago". She says this with a tone of voice that seems like she's frustrated at me.

The next little micro-moment, I felt my defense system come online.

What this tells me (after having felt this many times) is that...

• I've made some untested assumptions.
• I'm telling myself some stories about what just happened.
• I'm making her emotional state mean something about me.
• Furthermore, I'm making her emotions about ME the human, not simply my behaviour.

These are all useful truths to acknowledge. However, in the moment when my defenses come up, my inner landscape can feel quite intense. So it's not always easy to begin with rationally unpacking this stuff.

I find the most helpful first step is to simply acknowledge to myself that my defenses have just come on board. Naming that truth usually gives a slight break in the intensity. It stops the pattern from being "knee-jerk-reaction" and puts it into my hands as something to respond to.

I often find, the next best step is to acknowledge the same thing to my partner.

"Oooff, I just noticed myself getting defensive"

Immediately this shows vulnerability. It's truthful. It is indisputable. It's usually appreciated.

Already, the pattern begins to break and I'm staying connected. There can be no war without warriors.

Slow Everything Down

The biggest battle you'll fight in these situations is the speed at which they can escalate. These primitive survival reflexes are FAST. They need to be. That's why they have helped you survive.

But in this context, the speed is unhelpful. We don't want to stay teetering on the edge of a cease-fire. We want deeper connection.

So lets add to what I've said already...

"Oooff, I just noticed myself getting defensive, can we slow down for a sec? I want to hear you, but I’m having a reaction.”

This signals to the other person that...

• You care about hearing them.
• You're struggling in this moment and you need slowness.
• You want to stay in connection, despite it being hard.

These are powerful messages. Powerful to send, and to receive. By communicating this, you'll likely find that everything inside you does begin to slow down, regardless of your partners response.

From this place, you have more agency to choose intelligent steps forward that are going to create even deeper levels of connection.

Explore Where to Take The Conversation

Your partner was likely communicating with you for a good reason. They may have some feelings, needs and stories they would like to express with you. They may simply want to know deep down that you still care about them.

At the same time, you also have stories, emotions and needs swirling around.

Both of you need time and space to express these or process them in some way. How you do that is going to be context dependent.

I find often that the following points may need to be explored. Sometimes there is overlap between them and sometimes by addressing one of them, the other parts unravel through that process. Start wherever makes sense and navigate with care and attention.

Exploration 1: Address the unmet needs and feelings of your partner

As I mentioned earlier. Maybe your partner has some unmet needs and some feelings. Sometimes all that is required is to give those some attention.

In my example, my partner just needed some support and some time child-free.

By saying something like this...

"Hey I'm wondering if there was something you needed which I might have missed. Would you be open to sharing that with me?"

...it gives your partner space to express what is really beneath the words.

You may find by listening deeply, that it actually makes a lot of sense why they communicated in the way they did.

The truth was, my partner needed some help. She was exasperated. Great. This wasn't about me and my "incompetence".

Speaking of...

Exploration 2: Recognise This May Not Be Criticism

There are many reasons I could have felt defensive. In my example... My brain is adding meaning to what she's said.

She said "I asked you over an hour ago"

This is true. She did ask me over an hour ago.

But I'm adding, "And I'm so pissed off that I've had to ask you again. You're being disrespectful, self centered and lazy"

In NLP this is known as distortion. This is what humans do. We distort, delete and generalize information coming in, to fit particular narratives that we have about ourselves.

In my case, I've been judged as lazy before. It's deep conditioning. So when there's a slight indication that she might be thinking I'm lazy... my brain distorts it to fit that pattern.

All of this happens in an instant.

But since I've named the defensiveness already, it means we now at least have the breathing space to explore WHY I felt defensive based on what she said. What was it that I was assuming? What stories was I telling myself? Where did I distort, generalise or delete information?

These are all useful places to enquire.

And I suggest (if you're both up for it) - to do it together. To frame it up like this...

...I'm feeling defensive. There's a possibility that you said something that was intentionally hurtful. There's also a possibility that I heard what you said and interpreted it as hurtful. In either case, lets explore honestly together what the intention was behind your words. And lets explore the way the words landed in me and how I might have unintentionally warped them in some way.

Discussions like these are GOLD. These are the places where you get to understand some of your partners deepest pains and most beautiful gifts. These will provide opportunities to bring up memories of pivotal events in each others lives. The moments that shape us and our perceptions of the world.

My encouragement is to do this lightly, as lightly as possible.

This isn't about proving any points.

It's hardcore pure curiosity :)

Exploration 3: Re-Anchoring in your own Worth

As you explore this territory together, you may find that there are some really deep stories about yourself that get revealed. Beliefs that we originally formed in difficult times in order to get us through. For example, I'm not worthy. I'm not valuable. I have to be nice to people otherwise I won't belong...etc. etc.

These stories are usually at the heart of why the attempted communication from your partner stung in the first place.

It's actually just that they touched a place within you that was a little tender.

If you've successfully managed to setup a conversation around this with a container of caring and honesty and curiosity... most of the hard work is done. As you discover these deeper root causes, you'll probably start to recognize that they aren't true.

If you can see that it's just an old story you've been telling yourself and it isn't the truth, that can take a lot of the charge out of the situation. It can allow you to see yourself and the other person with less of that distortion.

Bringing It All Together

If you’ve read this far, I’m guessing you’ve lived some version of this dynamic too — that weird mix of love and panic where one tiny moment suddenly feels much bigger than it needs to be.

I honestly wrote all of this because I know how easy it is for me to get swept up in that rush. One second Juliana says something, the next second my chest tightens, and my mind is busy building a whole courtroom drama that… wasn’t actually happening.

And the surprising thing is, the more I’ve slowed those moments down, the more I’ve realised the “problem” was rarely the moment itself. It was the old story underneath it.
The part of me that wanted to protect something tender.

What’s shifted things for us hasn’t been a perfect skill or a tidy technique — it’s been a posture. A way of meeting those charged moments with a tiny bit more honesty, a tiny bit more breath, a tiny bit more curiosity.

Just enough to catch myself. Just enough to stay here instead of slipping into that defensive autopilot I know so well.

And from that place, something beautiful starts to happen.
Not instantly. Not magically.
But consistently.

The tension softens.
The humanity comes back.
We actually see each other again.

And honestly… that’s what I want most for anyone reading this. Not some polished communication strategy, but the felt sense that you can stay with yourself — even when you’re triggered — and offer your partner the same thing.

Because when you do that? Conflict doesn’t have to pull you apart anymore. It can actually be the doorway into knowing each other better.

So if there’s one thing you carry forward, maybe let it be this:

You’re not trying to “handle conflict.”
You’re learning to stay awake and open in the moments when your body wants to close.

Everything good grows from there.

And if you practise this — gently, imperfectly, over time — those moments that used to feel scary might just become the moments that bring you two closer than you imagined.