Have you noticed how being around some people is incredibly draining. While with others it is really uplifting?

With some people you feel hollow inside and when you leave their presence you need to go through a process in order to feel yourself again.

With other people there's a kind of resonance you can't fake. You can say anything to them and they get it, they understand you at a level that's so much deeper. It's almost as though they know you better than you know yourself.

When you leave this type of persons presence, you feel recharged, energized and enthused about life. You want to spend more time with them and it feels nourishing.

Have you ever wondered about WHY this happens? And perhaps even more importantly, how do you create a life filled with people who charge your battery?

Maybe you've got some ideas about why that might be. Most people do.

You might consider it through the lens of compatibility. You have your personality, they have their's. They either match or they don't. End of story.

Or maybe you turn it inward: "it doesn't feel good with this person, that's because, I'm too X (introverted? shy? weird? socially awkward? sensitive?)"

Or you assume it’s a confidence issue — that if you were just more relaxed or charismatic, the interaction would magically feel different.

What I have noticed though is that there's something deeper happening under these explanations.

The real difference isn’t who you are.
It’s what your nervous systems are doing together.

Some people pull you out of yourself without meaning to.
Others help you settle, soften, and come home.

So when you catch yourself thinking it’s your “shyness” or “introversion” acting up again, pause for a moment. It might be something else entirely: your body responding accurately to the signals in the space between you.

Those sensations aren’t flaws.
They’re information.

The Dance of Two Nervous Systems

Nervous systems are always on the lookout for safety - this includes physical, emotional, psychological etc. This is an unconscious process which is happening in the background.

When we perceive safety, we open, relax and drop into a state of nervous system activity which promotes social connection. This is the space where resonance and that feeling that someone deeply gets you comes from.

In this state our entire system is tuned for social connection. We hear audio frequencies better in the range of human voices. Our voices become more melodic. Our faces become more expressive and we also read other peoples faces with more accuracy. Our body language becomes more open, relaxed, at ease.

In this state, we are not only receiving signals of safety from other people. We're also giving those signals. There is a dance where two people can help each other to feel more open, relaxed and connected.

When our unconscious scanning perceives signals of danger, it triggers nervous system states which promote protection. Our deepest in-built survival strategies come online. We are more prepared for fighting, running, or freezing.

These strategies are draining. You have more tunnel vision. A more monotonous voice. A harder expression on your face. You might feel hyperactivated - like you need to get away. Or you might feel lethargic, as though you want to find a corner to hide in. Your muscles will hold more tension and rigidity. Or less than normal tension.

This is the experience which you'll feel you need to shake off, just to feel like yourself again.

Here's the thing though, your nervous system scans for many different things.

For sure there's factors about the other person, their emotional state, the way they move, their language, their protective mechanisms, their mannerisms, their appearance, how they sound etc.

There's also environmental factors - how safe is your location? Are there other people around that you trust? Could you escape if necessary?

Your brain decides based on these things and many others, which mode to activate in you and how much of that mode. More protection? More openness?

This is why your connection with the other person is context dependent and changeable. Their nervous system is running the same way yours is. It's checking if you're safe and creating changes in real-time.

It's a dance.

This dance is visible in brain scans when 2 people are synced with each other. The same parts of their brains activate. There's harmony between them.

The Feelings are Information

So if you're with someone and you're feeling self-protective, it's actually a product of the dance of your nervous systems. It's not about how shy you are, or socially awkward, or un-confident. It's doesn't need to mean that you're simply 2 incompatible people.

Rather, it's information. It just means that you're not feeling 100% safe on all levels with this person yet.

Now you have options. You might say well this person is just some random person. I don't feel that good around them right now. I am free to leave. There's something about the way our nervous systems are dancing together at this current moment that makes me brace.

You could always take a break come back later if you're interested and it might have changed. You might need a different context - ie: not at a party

For example, my partner loves spending time with her mother, but if they ever go out shopping anywhere together, my partner feels incredibly drained by it. Shopping with other people? Fine. Doing other things with her mother? Fine. It's that particular combination that doesn't work well.

But equally, you might just choose to move on and find another person who you like dancing with reliably.

However, if this person is important to you, know that it's completely possible to improve the dance between you. Some things that could help...

• Using curiosity to guide a conversation which explores how you feel with the other person.
• Taking some emotional risks, putting down the defenses that you might be using.
• Sharing your intentions with this person, letting them know what they mean to you.
• Asking for what you would like in order to feel more open around them.

Notice how each of these things supports emotional safety? They are risks that require deeper trust. And when you're willing to go there, you invite the other person to go there too.

Something to Try

Next time you're with someone, I invite you to notice your body sensations and to interpret them simply as information. If you consciously pay attention to how safe you're feeling (whether that's physically, emotionally, or otherwise), what do you notice? What types of things make you feel safe and grounded and open, what types of things make you brace and contract?

Beginning to bring your awareness to these is a way that you can actually start to navigate the complex world of relationships with more skill. As you learn about yourself and the way your nervous system interacts with others, you can discover the real things that recharge you.

For example, I notice that I feel comfortable around people who don't need to fill every space with words. When someone is comfortable in silence, some part of my nervous system feels more at ease and trusting.

I also notice that people who can talk about how they feel without running away or changing topic, also helps me feel safe.

This is just information. It's not a deal-breaker if someone doesn't feel safe enough to share their feelings with me immediately.

The empowering part of this all is that I have influence on the interaction too.

I can actually model what it's like to share how I feel without hiding... This often gives other people permission to do the same and it can help to create a dance of openness between you both.

If You've Thought of Yourself as Introverted

If you've held the identity of someone who is "introverted" like I have, you may notice that this idea of nervous systems dancing starts to bring some flexibility to that identity.

Suddenly it's not so fixed in stone anymore. Maybe you - just like other people - have been searching for safety in your connections. Yet your strategy for finding that safety looks different to other strategies. Maybe yours has been about retracting and spending time alone. You may feel safety from different contexts and qualities than other people do.

But strategies are flexible. Humans are equipped for adaptation and learning.

If you are looking for deep and fulfilling social connections - yet you've been convinced that your makeup has prevented it from happening - I believe that honouring the constant feedback from your nervous system is what will guide you towards a life brimming with deeply fulfilling connections.

I encourage you to listen within, your guidance system is well and truly working